Reject If Button Is Up

I would have more of these, but I stupidly cleaned up my desk a while back.

• Christmas 2003 was the anniversary of Main Street Sing, a tradition started by The Nantucket Civil League in 1903.
(Can you spot the redundant information? I can–and, boy-howdy–it really pisses me off. If you're drinking a Nantucket Nectars, you're probably rich and probably white and are probably well-educated enough that you can probably subtract one hundred from two-thousand-and-three. Fuckers. Probably.)

• Nantucket is an island, a county, and a town. It's the only U.S. place with the same name for all 3.
(Who cares? Not me. But obviously someone did. Since it's on the inside of this here bottle cap.)

• Cisco Brewery's Triple 8 party on Nantucket is always at 8pm on 8/8.
(Dude. 8pm on 8/8/08 is gonna be fuckin' sweet. I just know it. Who's in?)

• The fire truck on Tuckernuck Island always has keys in it.
(Which keys? House keys? Or the actual keys to the fire truck?)

• There are 44 steps at Steps Beach on Nantucket.
(If you had long legs and took them two at a time, you'd take approximately 22 steps. What now, bottle cap? What now?)

• In 2001, Nantucket won the Best Island award from the readers of Travel and Leisure.
(Sample size? Response rate? What other islands were in the list of possibilities? Because, well, the Caribbean is pretty nice, I hear.)

• Built in 1675, the oldest home in the village of Sconset, Nantucket is named Auld Lang Syne.
(Homes have names? Why? I'd call that one, "Really Dang Old". Or maybe just "Get Off My Porch".)

• The best whale watching off of Nantucket happens in July and August.
(What are the whales watching? What makes that the best? I mean, really – do the whales really care? And how could you possibly know that they think it's the best during those months. Like whales know what month it is. Seriously.)

• Nantucketers moving to the mainland in the 18th Century often disassembled their island homes and took them along off the island.
(... thus creating the first trailer park in the United States. Good job. Way to raise the standards. I thought you elitists had some class.)

• The Nantucket High School sports teams are known as the Whalers.
(What's with these whales? Known to whom?)